The Pit Bull Ate Your Baby? That’s Bizarre, Shocking, and Unheard of!

The first person they interview on the news when, to the general public’s complete lack of shock and bewilderment, a pit bull attacks and maims/kills/eats someone, is the genuinely surprised pit bull lover.  This person gingerly wipes their nose on their muumuu or wife-beater, and then rambles for hours about how strange it is that the gentle/loving/tender/peace-loving/nurturing/mild-tempered dog that they’ve shared their home with for years could have gone and eaten the neighbor’s baby.

As I aimed the laser-sight of my pretty pink taser at the pit bull that had cornered my three year old son and myself against my car yesterday, it occurred to me that I would have a slightly different point of view to share with any interested media outlets.  I shoved Carver in the car, slammed the door and decided that if my neighbor’s dog continued to approach I would pull the trigger.  Then, the dog’s (kind of) owner came running down the street in her housecoat.  In my mind, the humans that this animal belongs to are at fault for this dog’s behavior, as opposed to the dog, however, as I suspect the dog is more prone to biting than the 50-something-year-old lady wearing Mrs. Roper’s finest, I continued to aim at the dog and yelled across the street.  I tried for a “polite” tone, but it’s hard to scream, “I don’t want to tase your dog, but I’m really afraid that it’s going to bite me!” without sounding somewhat discourteous.

I mention that this woman is “kind of” the dog’s owner because she is actually caring for this dog (and a grandson) on behalf of her own son who is incarcerated.  Actually, was until recently incarcerated.  I learned this as he exploded out of their house in his boxer shorts and charged across the street at me.  He seemed put out and just as aggressive as my barking friend, so I considered aiming at him, but after glancing at the large, sharp, more proximous teeth of the dog, I kept still and just repeated myself; “I really don’t want to tase your dog, but I am terrified that he is going to bite me!”  The underwear-clad gentleman didn’t say a word to me and just tried to tackle his dog.  (Usually, one of their family members gets in the car and chases the dog up and down the street until they can herd it into the garage, I guess I can be glad they didn’t drive up on my lawn?)  The dog took off down the street, which is dangerous for the dog and everyone in the vicinity, as there are a group of nearby neighbors who have decided to shoot the dog if they are given an excuse (which they will likely find if they are looking for it.)

I was about to make my escape into my car and to the relative safety of Babies R Us when Grandma Muumuu came back outside and yelled across the street to me.  I expected something like, “Sorry about the dog!”  or “You’re a horrible person, how dare you brandish a taser at my dog!”  What I did not expect was, “Have you seen a baby out here?!”  I could not reply, I could only repeat incredulously, “Have I seen a baby out here?!…”  We stared at each other wordlessly for a moment and then she turned away and started yelling, “Dominique!” as if an infant might come tumbling out of the shrubbery towards her voice.

Is it inappropriate to suggest that the location of said baby can be surmised from the title of this post?