Cliff Lee is an Attractive Man & Carver is not Gay

Carver had his two year old well baby check up today.  Other than a brief discussion pertaining to why Carver keeps telling me that he has a bird in his ear (possibly Eustachian Tube Dysfunction) and the benefits of adding Ovaltine vs. whey protein to his morning smoothie, our pediatrician had all good things to say about Carver’s health.  Then we started talking baseball.

I like talking baseball with men.  It’s fun for me when they assume I won’t know the difference between a squeeze play and a ShiskaBerry.  Anyway, I was as disturbed as the next person to learn that A-Rod sleeps with a self-portrait of himself painted as a centaur over his bed, but I usually chat more about the game as opposed to the gossip.  You can imagine my surprise when the pediatrician (a straight, married male in his 50’s) didn’t want to talk about Cliff Lee’s impending trade, rather, what a hottie he is and who did I think the cutest Mariner was these days…  (I’m not sure BTW, we’re going to the game on Saturday so that I can hate on the Yankees, so if Charley and I are bowled over by the Greek-godlike good looks of any of the M’s, I’ll post an update I guess.)

I extracted myself from the Cliff Lee love-in as soon as possible and felt in the clear as the pediatrician started to leave the room.  He turned around though and added, “I almost forgot to tell you!  Carver doesn’t show any signs of being gay.”  (Carver has been taking care of a baby doll that was left at our house after our 4th of July party, so I know Charley will be relieved to hear the diagnosis.  I told you, Babe.  He’s just practicing to be a nurturing father!)  Our pediatrician went on to explain that he has a success rate of 66% at predicting which of his patients are gay from the time they are 2 years old.  The deciding factor seemed to be that Carver was playing with his cars in the waiting room, saying “vroom.”  To quote our pediatrician, “Girls just don’t say ‘vroom’ when they play.  Girls play things like kitchen and menu.”  The best response I could come up with was, “Ah.  Good to know.  Thank you.”  I’m not sure what to tell poor Charley about this.  One of my favorite toys when I was a little girl was my black and gold big-rig with a giant eagle painted on the side.  I said “vroom” all the time.